How can I ever make it up to her

I’m so sorry Alex.

The web of lies I’ve so carefully crafted over the last nineteen years is falling apart.

I am the one destroying it. I’m sick of this. I’m finally “better,” my life once again has direction and power and I can do anything, but I have my delicate hammer made of all the bullshit and lies and guilt that I’ve accrued over my life and it threatens to smash me. I want to become a new person. I’m almost there, I’m so close.

So, so close; it is blissful; it is beautiful; it is impossible, until I tear down my house of deception, my welcoming home of manipulation. 

I don’t know if I should blame myself for this. I’m a product of my circumstances, but I’ve been using real fucking people for all of my life. I feel disgusted. I feel nauseous as I write this. I just want this all to be done. I want to cut the cord, divorce everything that I was, and become reborn; become the person I’ve always wanted to be, who I’ve always dreamed of being. I’m so close to my dream. I’m so close to my personal nirvana.

And so I destroy, bit by bit, piece by piece, life by life, broken heart by broken heart. I’m going to fucking murder people with this. I snake into people’s lives so well and become ingrained, a support for them, and now this support is going to dissolve and they’re going to collapse into nothing. I’m going to smash the hearts that I committed to false love, that I manipulated for my personal gain, to fill the gaping loneliness that I’ve felt all my life. I’m going to destroy them and I hate myself for that. These women didn’t deserve this (except for one of them, I’m glad I smashed her. She’s as much a manipulator as me,) they didn’t do anything wrong. Why did they have to meet me? As I remove the strands, all the spiders come falling down, and I’m still the fucking puppet master. I’m still pulling strings, although this time it’s to permanently detach them. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for everyone in my life. You folks didn’t deserve this. I’m not leaving; I can’t bring myself to do that, for any definition of the word you might think of. I’m going to face you head on and remove the lies, and hopefully you’ll stay standing long enough to see the husk, the empty creature I was, the one I’m trying so desperately to kill.